Most of my life was spent seeking. Just not seeking God.
My father left my mother when I was two. As a single parent, my mother was doing her best while stumbling through substance abuse recovery. My mother was seeking to relieve the hurt of being abandoned. She used drugs and alcohol to self medicate this pain.
I would categorize my relationship with my mother in three ways growing up.
- We had days when my mother was on drugs and very abusive physically and physiologically.
- I experienced days when my mom was sober and on the phone every minute of the day talking with people from AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I would continuously act out to seek attention. Acting out for attention poured over into school. This became a learned behavior later in life.
- Finally the rare days. The days when my mother would take me to the local pond. We would feed ducks or go to the playground. Sometimes we would go to south mountain reservation to watch the sunset over the New York skyline.
I look back to see The loving heart God gave a struggling woman. I do not hate my mother. I hate the sin that was destroying my mother.
I left my mother to live on my own at age fifteen. I was homeless a good portion of the time, all the way into my mid-twenties. As an adult in my early twenties, I was always seeking to fill the God-sized void of my childhood. I went from relationship to relationship for years. When relationships fell short of making me feel loved and whole inside, I turned to drugs.
Over the years nothing seemed to ‘fix me.’ Things changed twenty months ago. God reached out to guide me back. Gentle nudges from a loving Father that came in many forms. I was guided with a new perception in hearing what I needed. A new sight to see the beautiful creation around and within us. God worked through so many people to find a lost man. Vast is His love for us.
I just want to make a point that we all seek. We seek approval from others.
We seek positions of power. We seek better bodies, more money, drugs, alcohol, sexual gratification, and the list is endless. Our spirit dies as we chase down these dead ends.
What shall it profit a man if he gains the world and loses his soul? – Mark 8:36
As a broken man who always sought after things that fell short. I share this with you in the hope that you may find fulfillment in seeking God over all things.
Matthew 7:7-8 tells me that only our heavenly Father is capable of loving us in this way. We are knitted together by design to seek and receive His love. Nothing in my entire life has provided deeper peace to face an otherwise overwhelming world.
Give up those things that take the number one spot in our lives. Place God there, only Jesus is meant to sit on the throne of our hearts. (Luke 12:34)
I just noticed that I left food out of the list of things we seek in place of Jesus. Funny because it is something I’ve been struggling with lately. So today I plan to seek Him with all my heart.
Abba Father I pray that we always seek You and fast from or remove those things that take Your place. Only You can place things back in the right order for our good. Jesus, we praise You, it is only by your sacrifice that we able to find a relationship directly with You.
In Jesus name, Amen
You are not alone!