Do you ever find yourself having one of those days where you feel like you have accomplished nothing when you wanted to? Maybe a day where whatever you did accomplish just didn’t satisfy you, or generally feel good enough?
I’m not so sure that I have many of those days, as I have learned to be gentler with myself, but today was surely one of them. Lately I have been growing and practicing things in a way I have not done before, and I am hyper aware of it. This general uncomfortableness has left me feeling unsettled in the areas I can control in my life, because so much is generally out of our control. I know this growth is necessary, regardless of the outcome, and it is high time I start re-learning how to behave and just be, in healthy and sane ways. The road to get to that point is a rocky one, and though I am aware of the logical side of things, the emotional does not always want to meet up with the logic!
When I am experiencing things that do not go my way, or when I generally do not get what I want when I want it, instead of acting out I try to redirect. Often I will ask God to remove the negativity from my head and help me to feel His peace in times of uncertainty. Sometimes He will remove these feelings from me when I am not meant to feel them; other times He allows me to sit with the feelings and this forces me to learn how to work through them. I no longer need to drink and drug to make these feelings go away, but that isn’t to say they have become any more comfortable to sit with. The most growth tends to occur in times of discomfort and pain. I know this from experience, but I really don’t like it! That is okay… I do not need to enjoy the feelings, make them go away, or even figure them out. I have learned to just let them be there while I work through things, and keep moving forward in other areas of my life. I am learning to let it be.
Back to the control: these periods of discomfort lead me to want to control the things in life that I can. For me, today, I decided to do a major purge of my wardrobe in an effort to simplify things and feel more organized. I succeeded in doing this, and though I have a bit more to do, I am happy with the overflowing bags for donations and less crammed drawers. Still, I feel so unaccomplished. I imagine this is because even though I did have control over what I chose to keep and give away, exerting my power over physical aspects of my life, emotionally I am still purging the negative and re-learning ways of thinking. Sitting down to write this devotional, I have decided to lay it all out for you, in a hope that maybe you can relate in some form or another. In doing this, maybe I will feel a little better and take comfort in the fact that however slowly, I am making progress and leaning spiritually on my Savior.
In the end, no matter what goes on or how I feel, I know I can rest in Jesus. This world is only temporary and these feelings will pass. I am being refined, which may be an uncomfortable process, but prior refinery has made me into a person I am proud to be today.